How To Turn A Guy Down In A Classy Way
How to Let a Guy Down Gently
It can be uncomfortable to tell a guy you're not interested, whether you barely know each other or you've gone on three dates. It's never fun to hurt somebody's feelings, but you'll feel relieved once the truth is out and the guy will be able to move on more quickly. If you know what to say and how to say it, then you'll be able to let the guy down as gently as possible.
Knowing What to Say
Decide whether or not you want to talk to him in person.Okay, if you're dating him, then yeah, you owe him the courtesy of breaking up with him in person. But if he asks you out via text or email, or an online dating network, then it may be okay to just respond virtually. This could make it less awkward for both of you, and can save you the pain of having to see his sad face in person; it can also leave him with more dignity then letting you see how crushed he is when you tell him you're not interested face-to-face. But if it's a close friend or someone you've dated for over two months or so, then you have to make the call and see what would be the most respectful thing to do.
- Just be mature and make sure you talk to him yourself, whether you're speaking in person or not. Having one of your friends deliver the message will not make him feel great.
Be honest about not wanting to date him.If you don't like the guy, then you have to be honest about the fact that you're not interested. If he asks you out, say something like, "I'm sorry, but I just don't see anything romantic happening between us" or "I just don't feel any chemistry, but I really like you as a person." Keep it short and simple but let him know that you don't want to date so he doesn't get confused or keep hanging around longer than he needs to.
- He may keep asking you for reasons, and you don't have to give in and tell him all of the reasons why you don't want to date him. That will just make him feel worse, so spare him, even if that's what hethinkshe wants.
Give a legitimate reason.If you don't feel the chemistry, you can tell him. If you're just not into dating right now, say so. If you have your heart set on someone else, let him know. If you just really don't like him because you think he's not attractive or annoying or something, then you can spare him these details. Though it's not pleasant to lie a bit or to make up an excuse, no guy wants to hear you say, "I'm just not into you." Think of a compelling reason that wouldn't hurt his feelings too much.
- Figure out what reason you're going to give in advance so he doesn't catch you in the middle of a lie.
- Don't say you like someone else if you really don't. He'll be able to figure it out pretty quickly.
- Also, don't say that you're not ready for a relationship if youdolike someone else. If he sees you hanging out with or even dating another guy shortly after your talk, then he'll feel like a fool because you lied to him.
Be firm.Though you can be nice about it, you have to make it absolutely clear that you don't see the guy as a romantic prospect. If you say something like, "I'm just not in a place in my life where I can date right now…" or "I'm just so busy with school this month…" then he'll think you're telling him that he'll have better chances if he just holds on for another month or two. There's no good in giving him false hope, and though this may make him feel better in the short term, he will only feel worse when it takes him much longer to realize that he has no chance with you than necessary.
- Really, the worst thing you can do is to lead the guy on, so being extra firm is better than being extra vague.
Don't insult him.Don't tell him that you think he's not smart enough for you, not cool enough for you, or not attractive enough for you. You'll just get a reputation for being mean and for not thinking of others. If you want to let him down gently, then you must think that he's a nice guy, so don't insult him, even if you think you're just giving him the cold hard truth.
- Give him all of your attention when you're talking to him. If you seem distracted or keep checking your phone, then he'll feel even more insulted.
Avoid the cliches.Don't say something like, "It's not you, it's me," "I think you deserve better than me," or "I'm just not ready for a relationship." All guys have heard this before and it's better to be honest without hurting him too much: you're just not feeling it. It's better to let him know that you will never want to be in a relationship with him in no uncertain terms, than to make him feel worse by feeding him lines.
Keep it short.Once you've said your piece, it's time to part ways, either forever or for now. He may want to keep talking and hearing more and more reasons why it won't work out between the two of you, but that will only make both of you feel worse. If you think this may be a problem with this particular guy, then prepare an exit strategy in advance, whether it's meeting a friend or needing to go run an errand. If you have nothing else to do, it'll be more awkward when you have to leave just to get away.
If you want to stay friends, say so.If you and the guy really do have a great friendship, then you can tell him how much it means to you and say that you don't want to ruin it. This doesn't mean that you should say you want to be friends with someone you barely know (or even like); if you aren't friends and you say "I just want to be friends," then he'll see that you're just trying to make him feel better. However, if you've been friends for a while, then you can make him feel good by pointing out what a great friend he has been to you.
- If you really are friends, then it's okay if he doesn't want to hang out with you for a while. Sure, that won't be fun for you, but he may not be ready to start seeing you just as a friend again for some time.
What to Do Afterwards
Give him space.Whether you guys are close friends or just in the same class, you should give him space after you reject him. You may try to be friends as usual or to ask him for the homework assignment, but he may not be ready to talk to you just yet. So give him some breathing room until he's ready to talk to you as friends. Don't be hurt if this takes him longer than you think.
Don't act weird the next time you see him.The next time you hang out, don't look at him like he's a wounded puppy or make an extra effort to ignore him. Just be yourself, act natural, and be kind if he comes up to talk to you. If he doesn't talk to you, you don't have to take the initiative, because he's probably just not ready to really face you. The important thing is that you act like it's no big deal, so he knows that the fact that he got rejected wasn't a big issue and that you can be friends and talk to each other.
Don't tell everyone you know what happened.Spare the guy the embarrassment of having your fifty closest friends know what happened. If you tell all of your friends that you rejected him, then they may start acting weird around him too, and he'll know. If he's a nice guy, then he doesn't deserve to be treated this way when he made an honest effort to get closer to you. Try to keep what happened to yourself; after all, if a guy rejected you, you wouldn't want him to tell all of his friends, would you?
Treat him kindly.If you are talking again, don't be mean or rude to him, unless he deserves it. If he's trying to just be friends or to be nice to you, then the least you can do is smile and return his friendliness. This doesn't mean you have to hang out with him or spend a lot of time with him, but if you do cross paths, just treat him with human decency. Just don't flirt, touch him, or be so nice that he may be getting mixed singles or think he has another shot.
- Have empathy for him above everything else. He must be hurting because you rejected him, and you have to remember that, even if you don't want to date him.
QuestionI'm trying to let the guy down, but he keeps buying me things. What should I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIf you don't want to date him, tell him you only like him as a friend and he needs to stop buying you things. Then if he tries to give you something, refuse to take it.Thanks!
QuestionI do want to date him, but I'm not allowed to date yet. What should I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIf you think that you like him enough and he likes you enough, you can maintain a friendship until you are allowed to date.Thanks!
QuestionI like my friend's ex, what do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTalk to your friend and tell him/her how you feel about their ex. It's possible they won't mind if you go out with them, it mostly depends on how things ended between them and how she feels about him/her. If your friend says they absolutely do not want you to date their ex, you should respect that. It's hard to find good friends, so hang on to the ones you've got.Thanks!
QuestionShould I break up with my boyfriend or wait to see if he changes?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTalk to him about how you feel before you try to break up with him. Think of the good things about him as well as the bad before you come to a decision.Thanks!
QuestionDo these tips still apply after I have slept with him?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerYes, they do.Thanks!
QuestionHis cat died and I'm not ready for a relationship, what do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThough losing a pet is hard, it shouldn't change what you feel. If he keeps mentioning his cat or tries to remind you how hard his life is, he may be trying to guilt-trip you, which is really cowardly and not a good trait. Just tell him that you're happy to be his friend, but you're not interested in anything more.Thanks!
QuestionWhat if he doesn't leave me alone and he says he's in love with me?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIf it is via text, block his number and cut off any additional contact with him. If it is face-to-face, tell him you're not interested and walk away. If he keeps trying to bother you, ignore it. You should only have to tell him once.Thanks!
QuestionHow do I let a guy down gently if I have not met him in real life, only through texting?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerYou can do one of two things: 1. Don't respond to his texts for a while (1-3 days) and then text him something like, "Sorry, but I just want to be friends," or "I really can't know if I like somebody I only know through text." 2. Just be direct about why you're not interested (without being mean), like "I just don't have romantic feelings for you," or, "I don't want a boyfriend right now."Thanks!
QuestionWhat if we've been dating him for like 6 months and every time I try to break up with him he won't let me?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerHe can't "not let you." It takes two people to be in a relationship. Break up with him. Tell him it's over and you're not going to change your mind. Block his number on your phone and cut off all further contact with him.Thanks!
QuestionHow do I tell a guy I don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, but I still want to be friends?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTell him that you love him, but you're not IN love with him. Tell him you see him more like a brother than a romantic partner, that you care about him a lot, but that you don't want to date him anymore.Thanks!
How do you politely tell a guy you don't want to text him?
A dude in my class told me he liked me and asked whether I did too I said no but he didn't give up when he heard I liked someone else and he is taking me to the kca's he got all crazy what do I do?
How do I let down my best friend's brother without being rude?
How do I get him to stop texting?
I have been dating someone for just 2 days. i'm not sure if I want to keep dating him, but i don't want to hurt him. What do I do ?
- Be honest.
- Don't try to avoid him.
- If he gives you a gift, tell him a big thank you and tell him straight forward that it's a friend thing not a love thing.
- Before putting him down, review your feelings and you may realize you actually like him.
- Ask your mom for advice she's far more experienced.
- Every guy is different. It's you that will find the right words to reject him.
- He might not accept it and use extreme methods like violence. Tell someone if this happens
Sources and Citations
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